He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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