Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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