maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
