R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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