i was born a porn star she said
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
