when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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