I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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