Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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