Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They have beer where we have blood.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
