he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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