I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
