help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
