captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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