you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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