after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
