We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm at about main and main street
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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