I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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