Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
