i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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