I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
