If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
