I'm eating all of the evidence.
I could make wine with my vomit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
