haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
