So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
