I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
