And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
