Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
