maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
