Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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