Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
