The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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