At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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