Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
