You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
