i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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