Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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