i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
