I want to have your abortion
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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