So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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