well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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