you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
