I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
