im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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