Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
