Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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