shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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