there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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