You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
