I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
