I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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