You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
