I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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