Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
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foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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