LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
