When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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