I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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