god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
