She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
