Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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