By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
