I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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