He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
