1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
