I wish I could teleport
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Panties = found
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
