im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
